On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
