They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
pop tarts are not kleenex
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
