Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
