She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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