bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
