I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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