You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
