I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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