He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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