She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
The best revenge is premature balding
Even the bartender felt bad for me
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
