You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
