im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
