I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
