I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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