somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
