then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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