the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
