hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
