It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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