Duck Duck Cougar?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
