I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You pole danced in your parka.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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