great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
