Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
