don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
