Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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