I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
