she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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