new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
