Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
