i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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