Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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