He disabled his match.com account in front of me
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
