I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
