I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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