My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
