I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
