Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
