Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
