he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
