Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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