i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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