I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
