you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
