dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
so much tequila, so little girl.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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