I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
