he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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