I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
