Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
