well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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