yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
