he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
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