my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
