I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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