If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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